Before Congress breaks for their summer recess, I hope they’ll carve out a little time to outlaw the bikini. There are three reasons for this that should be obvious to everyone.
First, the bikini creates a hostile sunning environment for women. The sight of nubile young females in public wearing only enough material to equal four paper clips prompts a surge in heart palpitations among normal sized women. Women with stretch marks (who number approximately 3 billion, according to the World Health Organization) also suffer skyrocketing stress hormones in the bloodstream, as well as the phenomenon known as “sand rage.” Clearly, this form of swimwear poses an unacceptable health risk to nearly all women.
Second, the sight of sinewy girls frolicking in near nakedness on the beach only encourages would-be illegal immigrants to try to storm the borders. Therefore, this is also an issue of national security.
Finally, bikini-wearing in full view of men increases global warming. In my proposed legislation, bikini-wearing would be a misdemeanor, but romping in a string bikini would be a felony. I know the legislation may not be popular, and I am not counting on Ted Kennedy’s vote.
I’m not sure why women’s swimwear has been eroding faster than the ozone layer. Experts predict that in only two years, bikinis would only be discernible through a microscope. (Although this would surely be a boon to the microscope industry.) Under these circumstances, can you blame any woman for the terror that strikes her heart as summer begins?
Editors of women’s magazines understand this, which is why they must lure their readers in by promising pages of “Stress-Free Swimwear!” Despite the upbeat headline, the small print reveals the truth: picking a bathing suit is easy . . . for the “lucky few.” These “lucky few” translate into only eight women in the known universe who can saunter into a dressing room, try on the skimpiest of bikinis, and emerge with her ego unshattered. The only hope for the rest of us 3.5 billion estrogen slaves is to invest in stylish beach cover-ups that will hide our Lycra-stuffed figures like cash in a dope dealer’s suitcase.
Women wider than Nicole Kidman make huge sacrifices by accompanying our friends and family to the beach. But while the bikini-clad flirt with melanoma by reckless sun exposure, we wisely remain under wraps on a folding chair, massaging our brain cells with intellectual books on the Italian Renaissance. Okay, maybe we’re reading the latest Janet Evanovich novel, but we would have read the book on the Italian Renaissance if the last copy hadn’t been checked out at the library.
Meanwhile, normal women do have some options to survive swimsuit season without nervous breakdowns. First, stay away from the beach and the pools. Who needs them? The beaches are dirty, and God only knows what sludge will wash up on shore and weasel its way onto your person. As to pools, the chlorine gives everyone red eye, which is very unattractive.
However, you may not be able to slink out of beach or pool visits. In extreme cases when you must be seen in a swimsuit, I recommend the following: 1. Knock back a couple of daquiris before entering the dressing room with your swimsuits to dull the pain of your image under florescent lights. (This means you must take a designated non-swimsuit buyer with you to the mall.)
2. Avoid irresponsible and potentially lethal activities, such as trying on a swimsuit at Loehmann’s. Who can ever forget the tragic results when a woman already teetering on the edge executed the infamous “Maillot Massacre” at a Loehmann’s many years ago?
3. Stick with safe swimsuit bets, such as the “Hugger-Mugger,” made from a specially patented material that promises to hide up to 50 pounds of French fries and ice cream sundaes in its snug shell. Frequent walking is recommended to avoid cutting off circulation.
4. Use the visual equivalent of pepper spray. The “Shrieking Silhouette,” available in sizes up to 26W, is emblazoned with an optical print so garish it has caused blindness in scientific studies. Tummy overhangs up to the size of speed bumps and other “problem areas” are disguised under the dizzying graphics on the made-in-the-U.S.A Lycra. Anyone who looks directly at the suit will have instant vertigo, so they won’t even notice the cellulite on your legs.
5. Summer in Saudi Arabia, where bikinis are a non-issue, except on pay-per-view television.
6. If all else fails, think side control panels, empire waists, and shelf bras (available at Home Depot).
Judy Gruen is a humorist whose latest book is “Till We Eat Again: Confessions of a Diet Dropout.” Read more of her columns on http://www.judygruen.com.